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Redemption in Mourning

Photo by Matt Palmer on Unsplash
The night my beloved wife passed was difficult, but also beautiful. Over the previous week I could see her slowly slipping away, like a deep fog was covering the world and her face was slowly disappearing into the cloud. No matter how much I reached for her, she would continue to fade out of view. As the week went by, she was sleeping more and more, unable to even sit up with help. By Thursday night, she had not fully waken the entire day and her eyes could no longer open completely. I would sit by her side and look at her feeling helpless. It has already been a few days since I talked to her. Did the final moment to say goodbye already pass? When it was time to sleep I noticed her breathing was short. I went to grab some linen from upstairs so I can sleep by her side on the couch in our sunroom. By the time I came back downstairs, she was gone.

In that moment, it felt like a dream. Was she really gone? I sat by her side waiting for her to start breathing again, checking her pulse over and over again with a heart rate monitor. It felt like she could wake up at any moment. I wanted to look up and see her smiling at me again. After ten long minutes, I knew it was time to call for a Hospice nurse. While the nurse was on her way, I began calling our families and a few close friends to tell them the news. As people came to gather around her to say goodbye, we all spent some time coming to the same realization. Afterwards we had a beautiful time of remembrance, speaking of old memories, songs, scriptures, and the final times we spent with her, also reading the final paragraph of C.S. Lewis' "The Last Battle", her favorite. It was a special time of mourning with hope.

The next morning I woke up to do my routine of coffee and scripture. We stayed until past 2am, so I was kind to myself and slept in until 7am. I grabbed my coffee and sat in my normal seat, drinking in His word with a bit of caffeine. When I finished reading I sat up and looked over at the couch where we would sit together and talk after she woke. An overwhelming realization came to me, things would be different now. I was alone. I know I have friends, family, and, as always, God by my side, I know and trust that. I mean that I am alone in that I have lost that time of connection with the one I love. She was not going to be there with me anymore. I mourned the loss of our time together. But what will God do with this time of loss? How can God redeem even this?

Redemption is a word that has always been near and dear to my heart. If you have read my previous posts, you know that I use this word often to describe Gods place in the brokenness of life. It is a word that I am drawn to like someone lost in the desert searching for an oasis, just a drop of water to quench the thirst within. Just the thought of redemption makes me feel refreshed in my soul. When I recounted the above story to our counselor, she asked me what this word meant to me in that moment of loss, which really got my brain thinking. I use the word all the time, but what does redemption really look like in my life? In Katherine's death?

In the scriptures, the word is defined as one who pays a ransom, avenge a wrong, or be a kinsman (another story altogether there). To be redeemed means to take His people out of the state of sin, slavery, oppression, famine, and pain and bring them into a throne of grace, love, and protection. It is a term that His people knew well. Each time God redeemed His people it revealed that they were not alone in this world and that they followed a God that truly cared for them even when they did not. The theme was the golden thread that was woven into God's story since the beginning of this fractured world and the thread was knitted into His people when the Redeemer came to bring them back into His arms through Jesus.

But why is it important to me now? Because the thread of redemption is not just for the grand story, but is woven into the fabric of the lives of those who have experienced it. I mean if God's story is about the redemption of this world, shouldn't our lives also show God's redemption in the lives we live? In the brokenness that we see? God makes broken things beautiful again, whether in this life or the next, and we should do the same to the brokenness of of this world and in each moment. He takes sinners and turns them into children of God, just as He did with the rebellious nation of Israel, then He gives purpose and meaning to us. Something beyond ourselves. We can see Jesus.

In the night she passed, it was easy to see God redeeming the loss. God gave us time with people she loved, she had no pain, we gathered to honor her in the end. Something beautiful came out of such a hard time. The same God was with me the day after, as I sat and wondered how this loss will be filled. I know God will show beauty even in this. And our God does not show up by us "sucking it up", thinking positively, or making ourselves too busy to see the emptiness. Distractions, though not bad in situations like this, are only a temporary cure for a deeper longing. Eventually the hole needs to be filled with something that truly fills us. That is where redemption comes in.

In our longing in loss we receive the saving grace of Christ, His comfort, love, and protection. He came to restore all things, to bring it back to a state of completeness. There is meaning in purpose even in this pain that we feel. I am not sure what God will do with the rest of my life, let alone in each little moment. At the same time, I am also not worried about it, even if I am impatient. I know that I am not the one that gives me purpose, but the one who lives in me is. He knows me and knows what I need. I also know that His purpose, whatever that looks like, is done in His timing. I am free to mourn her in my way, knowing that when I am ready, God will bring life out of the ashes for His glory and honor.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. - Romans 8:28-30 ESV

Comments

Clay Daniel said…
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story. I don’t know you but am a friend of the Constants and a Trinity member. May the Lord continue to reveal His redeeming love to you in your days of mourning your wife.
February 1, 2026 at 11:00 AM
nick said…
Kevin, thank you for this moving post. You are a minister of reconciliation.
February 1, 2026 at 5:29 PM
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