The question everyone asks, but one that is hardest for me to answer because it can mean so many things. You could be asking how am I doing physically, such as are you getting enough sleep? Are you taking care of yourself? Do you get out? What about emotionally? Are you depressed? Do you have someone to talk to? Do you need to vent? It could be asking about where I am in my journey of mourning. How are you healing? Do you still miss her? Or it even could just be a generic platitude, just say fine and move on. If you are in a coffee shop in New York and the guy's name is Joey? It could mean an entirely different thing all together. But I guess that is the nature of the question, it can mean any, all, or even none of these things. That is probably why I ask the same question to people and also why I usually give a vague answer, such as "Doing OK". Don't get me started on how to interpret this response!
Over the last few months I have been pondering how I would answer this question if I were to ask it to myself, especially when it comes to how I am mourning. I would probably answer by comparing the process to the seasons. One day I open the door to a cold and dark winter day, but with a beautiful covering of snow making the world seem pure. The door could reveal an explosion of spring flowers spread across endless fields of blue, purple, and red, God's newness revealed in nature. It could be a beautiful summer day, the sun shining it's joyful rays of energy into our soul begging to join the day like a playful child. It could reveal the hidden colors of the forest, revealed as the world passes back into a deep slumber. Each of these seasons can be seen through the door that we open day to day.
The seasons represent change that occurs in this world, just like the process that God has in my journey through this life. I was in the coldness of winter as my wife passed, but in the darkness I saw the newness of God, His sovereign hand revealing brightness in the darkness. But just as winter brings death, it also brings newness and closeness. In the cold and darkness I could have wrapped myself in a blanket and detach from this world, but that is not the warmth I needed. I gathered around the campfire of His people to keep me warm, and maybe to roast a few marshmallows. It is through God's people that I was able to see the warmth of God's Spirit and His hands and feet at work. This was hard thing to do as a deep introvert.
As I pondered standing in coldness of winter I started to recognize a shift into something new coming on the horizon. The days are slowly bringing us closer to spring, the joy and hope that comes from the world coming back to life. The days get a little brighter every day, a little clearer. I can see the snow melting and feel the warmer breeze and even anticipate the coming of the flowers that will bloom. In moments like these I know God is not silent, he is changing me and bringing me out of the darkness as I wake up with a renewed hope and trust. This is what I felt I was approaching a new season, just as if we moving from winter into spring. The Winter will soon be gone and the spring will be here.
But as I pondered leaving winter for spring, a deep fear came over me. I felt I could not leave winter. Perhaps I needed more time to mourn her? I didn't think so, God was leading me to something new. Then it hit me! The real problem was that I thought that in order to see the flowers of spring, you had to give up winter, mourning for her. Was this the real point of mourning? To "move on" to the next season and not look back? It didn't seem right to me. I still want to honor who Katherine was, not let her fade away. As the fear started to overwhelm me, a friend challenged me that maybe the connection of the earthly seasons is an imperfect picture of what it really means to mourn in this life.
The life that I had with Katherine was something beautiful, something that God brought together and showed Himself in. He does not want me to loose that connection, but to celebrate and glorify God in it. To me, that was a revelation. You can both "move on" and not "let it go"!?!? Yes, the song of Frozen did pop up when I wrote that. But NOT letting go is what we are called to do. Katherine is not going anywhere, she will always be a part of my life and her light will continue on as I move in to a new chapter. Just like in a book, each chapter of my life a part of a greater story of God's Glory. She may take on a different role in the story from now on, but she will always be a part of it.
The same is true when you read the scriptures. Lets say you finish reading Genesis, the story of the fall, the flood, and the calling of Abraham. When you start Exodus, you are not in a new story but continuing the grand story. We are building on top of it to clarify what was already said. We are still broken, still in need of God to rescue us. This story continues as you start Leviticus, and then Numbers, and then Deuteronomy. We are still broken sinners in need of a Savior. No matter who the Judge, King, or Prophet, this fact remains. Even when Jesus came and died for us, the story still did not change, but the purpose of the story was now revealed. The long awaited Savior has arrived and calls everyone to repent and crown Him as the true King of this world, and yours.
Each part of my life is part of a greater story of God's redemption in my life. The day I was born, the day I took my first steps, the day I tried to be "religious" without Christ, the day I gave up and sought joy on my own, the day He brought me back from the pig farm and towards home, the day I repented and He restored my heart, the day the Gospel became real after realizing I wasn't really following Him, the day I met and married Katherine, the day she got cancer, the day she got it again, the day we celebrating her life, the day we wept when the end approached, and even the day she went home. All of this is part of not just our but my story, and the next chapter will be just as important as the last, because this life is His. Glory be to God for His indescribable gift.
And so, how am I? I am still mourning for what I lost, but I still know that this story is not over yet. God will continue to be glorified in my next chapter, and I can't wait to see what He has for me. But I know one thing above all, I know He is in charge of it and He will get the glory in the end. Maybe I will start asking a different question when I meet fellow believers. "How is God writing your story today?" Because when we see God, our story will be our song to Him. Our witness. What is the theme of your story? What binds your life together? How is God getting the glory? Maybe these are the real questions.
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